[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You Might Also Like
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.