Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
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I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
sleeping beauty