I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.