Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
This bar smells like my childhood.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?