When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
What do you hear?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.