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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it