I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Before & after 😅
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
ok hear me out: Luigiana