and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Every BBC series about the universe.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
There are no pants in heaven.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good