Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
This is a true ally.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.