Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If you love someone, let them tweet.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
and now we wait
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
So true for me