lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Cats (2019)
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.