Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business