A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…