I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace