This makes total sense…
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!