[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times