Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*