If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
You Might Also Like
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
me before I type out affect or effect
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤