Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Bro what is this
mathematically impossible
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Close call…
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet