alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.