Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Does it…does it take 3 days
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
mom gave me mine for free
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?