Oceanography is all about current events
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I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
This headline is a thing of beauty
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.