I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off