Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Succinctly put.
The pen is writier than the sword.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this