ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
You Might Also Like
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.