We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
#CatsOnTwitter
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.