Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
This anagram machine is out of order.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.