Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
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One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher