“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you