I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Oops I deleted….
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”