Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno