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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
peep davidson
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”