*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
They did not think through this water fountain
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Skills
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
inside you are two wolves
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Autocarrot sucks!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.