Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Chicken bread
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”