Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Saturday
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-