this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.