[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it