I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.