2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?