Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣