Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
secret recipe
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
my lower back watching me try to live my life
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please