alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
craving $300 all of a sudden
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.