In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??