Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?