I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.