*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
You Might Also Like
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale