Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
You Might Also Like
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later