Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition