Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*