[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
This pepper has seen some shit
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.